I dated an engaged woman: This is what it felt like to be the affair

Of all the love stories there are, there was one I never wanted to be a part of – an affair, especially if it meant being the other person, the lover.

But for two years, I dated a woman who was engaged to another man. I had vowed I would never find myself in a relationship again, but it felt like it was “just a thing.” I felt powerless against the pull of this toxic relationship.

At first I was tempted by the chase, and then I sought their validation. I wanted to be chosen. I wanted to be loved. For two years I became a toxic version of myself that I didn’t recognize. But in the end I learned that I deserve much more.

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I felt the thrill of the hunt

We met when we were doing our master’s degrees in New York. At that time, she was already dating another man, but she promised to break up with him. I was full of hope; I really thought she was going to leave him to be with me. That all changed when she told me about her engagement.

My heart broke; I felt helpless and betrayed. How could she say yes?

For a moment, I took a step back and removed her from my life. But things got complicated when I realized she still wanted me. She wasn’t entirely clear about what she wanted from me, but she continued to meet with me.

When I realized I was going to be her lover, I decided to commit myself to her. She became something forbidden – something I couldn’t have – and that made her all the more attractive to me.

She became someone I would always have her back for, and that was exciting from the start. The chase was more important than the relationship itself.

She was the one who had all the power

I agreed to certain terms and conditions. Now that she had a ring, the rules were even stricter. I only met with her when she was available. I couldn’t send her messages without her permission. I had to go at her pace. They were in full charge. I had very little say in our relationship.

To be honest, at first I was fine with it. It felt like a breath of fresh air – something new and exciting. I didn’t need to drive the car. All I wanted to do was enjoy the ride.

But the further we went, the more things changed. I demanded more power and changes to my status. I needed more attention and time from her. I wanted to hold her hand in public and go on normal dates. I wanted some of what was uh None of it was possible because we were stuck in a lie.

Suddenly, I was no longer the sweet, romantic escape she enjoyed. I became a toxic version of myself. My previous messages of love turned into emotional blackmail. I threatened to tell her fiancé about our relationship.

After two exhausting years of trying to convince her, I had reached a point where I just wanted to prove to myself that I could win. At that point, I had already invested so much energy, time, love and money that leaving seemed like a bigger mistake than staying there.

It’s not about the chase anymore. I was caught between the obsession to finally get her and the feeling that I would never be able to win her over.

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I finally learned the meaning of self-love

I decided to stay in that horrible situation because I didn’t take care of myself at the time. I didn’t believe I deserved anything else. No matter how many people told me it could be much better, I never really felt it until I hit rock bottom.

Thankfully, I eventually realized that I deserved better. I came to realize that she didn’t see me as special. This allowed me to accept that there was nothing special about her either. This opened my eyes and set me on the path to becoming a more rational being. I officially ended our situationship after two years.

I will always be a hopeless romantic, but now I know that love isn’t about the “thrill of the chase” or seeking the other person’s acceptance. It’s about finding peace – first with yourself and then with someone else.

Read the original article on Business Insider.

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