Dating madness: Welcome to the app craze | BRIGITTE.de

For those who don’t have time to read the entire article below, I’ll summarize the essence of my first match as follows: “Don’t be a Kardashian, be Audrey Hepburn!”

The “Burning the Haystack” method

This imperative does not come from me, but from Thomas, 56. I met him on Bumble, a dating platform where only women can make the first move (aka write to someone). Met him is too much to say, however, I blocked him straight away. There is a new dating method called “Burning the Haystack”. It was invented by the author Jennie Young, who wrote about it for the “HuffPost”: To find a metal object, i.e. the needle, in the haystack, you have to burn the haystack completely. And this metaphor can be applied to dating: You burn (block) everyone who is not a good match (normally you only block someone if he or she has done something offensive or hurtful). Isn’t this trend towards radical selection inhumane? Jennie Young says no, she has founded a Facebook group in which women enthusiastically report how great the Burn the Haystack method is. “The women suddenly meet men who are respectful and interested in a relationship.” They finally had really good dates – thanks to the rigorous selection process.

I tried it out. My first match was Julius, 44. He wrote: “Hey Suse, what are you doing that’s forbidden?” Blocked. Just like Tom, 53, who was informed in his biography that his personal hell would be: “To meet a Green voter here with a cargo bike.” A guy who calls himself Gallaher, supposedly 56, also knows who he is and what he wants: “I don’t offer anything, especially not boredom, I eat meat, burn petrol, am vaccinated, and absolutely no coloured or metallic body decorations!” Thomas, 58, goes one step further in terms of precision: “You, preferably up to 1.70, athletically slim, size up to 36, more butt than breast and with enough light in the dark.” I have to google the abbreviation size: clothing size. After my latest needle-in-a-haystack attempt, one thing is as certain as amen in church: dating is hell right now.

Stories from dating hell

This is not only said by women my age, who still think wistfully of the times when you met good guys in bars or at the cheese counter, but also by very young women. There are countless videos on YouTube about the phenomenon from all age groups. On Tiktok, these clips are called: “Crying over bad dates.”

Beautiful women who are not even thirty complain publicly about the disaster of finding a man. Share their horror stories of online and offline dating. Some even talk about a dating burnout that is spreading. Social psychologist Johanna Degen, also known as “Dr. Tinder,” researches online dating and social media usage at the European University of Flensburg. She confirmed something: “The feeling that you have experienced something special with the other person, something unique, is lost through serial flirting and dating.”

Unusual abbreviation, even more unusual dating concepts

Recently I tried out Bumble again. I stayed there for exactly an hour and was completely confused. What is ENM? This muscle training where you are connected to electricity? Oh no, that was EMS. ENM is the term for ethical non-monogamy, which is the opposite of conventional monogamy and is clearly different from polygamy. “Ethical non-monogamy aims to reduce suffering, disappointment and jealousy while increasing pleasure,” I read. Oh yeah, cool. But definitely not for me, who is already overwhelmed with one person in a relationship.

When Bumble was deleted, I cycled past a poster that was so stylishly designed that I thought it was an advertisement for a sustainable fashion label: Breeze. The idea behind this new dating app is that you can’t write to your matches in advance. Instead, you pay nine euros to the app people to organize an offline blind date for you with a guy of your choice, although you don’t know in advance whether he can count to three. The nine euros includes a drink in a bar selected by Breeze. I suddenly felt dizzy at the thought of having to sit with a complete stranger in a franchise chain bar with lukewarm champagne.

BLEL: A journey without children

In my Bumble and Tinder research, I came across one male desire most often: intimacy without commitment. Mat, 51, sums it up: “Exclusivity and passion are not my thing. I prefer the here and now with resonance, passion and zest for life.” It may be that a lot of women out there have the same desire as Mat, but I just can’t shake the strange feeling that this intimacy without commitment really plays into the hands of one target group in particular: men.

Why has everything become so complicated and hopeless when it comes to getting to know each other? Shouldn’t it be easier with all the modern options we have today? Or is that exactly the problem?

Relationship coach Carolyn Litzbarski confirmed: “The multitude of options offered to us by online dating apps and social media leads to a kind of decision paralysis, a paralysis. In the market of possibilities, people constantly have the feeling that there are even better options.” Could, which is why many chats fizzle out, or you have thousands of first dates without any further steps. Particularly critical are constellations in which two people are in contact for a long time – without it leading to anything serious. Regardless of whether it is “breadcrumbing” or “ghosting”, all behaviors are based on a similar pattern: the search for a supposedly even better match. And that’s why I end up alone.

The dating buffet, overeating included.

According to Carolyn Litzbarski, a turning point was the 2010s, when dating apps like Tinder became increasingly popular. “At some point there was a real dating buffet – overeating included.” Everyone is stuffed to the brim, but still hungry.

Even if I sound like men are the stupid ones, I also suffer from this decision fatigue. In my dating profile, when asked what I’m looking for, I’ve never said anything other than “I don’t know yet” with that pondering emoji behind it. I don’t want to commit myself either. I’d rather stay alone. That sounds bitter, but given the ruin of dating, it feels pretty good most of the time.

My motto is: “Being alone feels so good, I will only get involved with you if you are sweeter than my loneliness.” The quote is from the author Warsan Shire, and after all my experiences, perhaps no one is sweeter than my loneliness today. At least not someone who confuses dating apps with the buffet in an all-inclusive club. And perhaps my loneliness is less sad than it sounds and healthier than burning down an entire haystack just to be ablaze for a moment.

New dating “trends”

Breadcrumb search
You are fed breadcrumbs virtually. A like on social media or a charming message. It only serves to keep you warm, a meeting never takes place.

Submarining
Derived from the English word for submarine. While the other one disappears completely during “ghosting”, here it appears again and again out of nowhere – often with a simple “Hey”.

Benches
A bench is a bench. You get parked there because there are just too many other dates waiting out there. Of course, the fact that you are dating at the same time is not communicated.

Suse Kaloff has been writing as a freelance author for 25 years about all the things that make her heart beat faster. And every now and then about those that break her heart.

Brigitte