How to talk to children about school shootings and other traumatic events

Mass shootings have an impact on communities that continues to be felt long after the day’s tragedy. School shootings in particular can have physical, emotional and behavioral effects on children – even if the shooting occurred on the other side of the country.

Confrontation with school shootings, even indirectly, has been shown to undermine people’s sense of security and stability, says Sonali Rajan, a professor at Columbia University who researches the harm caused by firearms to children.

Talking about it can help.

Parents are not alone in this task. Many health professionals, including psychologists and grief counselors, remind people that there are resources available to support students’ mental and emotional health as they grieve and process.

In their opinion, this is how families should deal with traumatic experiences of their children.

Do not avoid the conversation

It takes time to process emotions, regardless of age, so adults should take care of themselves first. However, experts advise parents to talk to their children about it and not avoid the subject if the children show that they want to talk about it.

“If they don’t hear about it from you as a parent, they’ll hear about it from their friends at school,” says Emilie Ney, director of professional development at the National Association of School Psychologists.

According to guidance from the National Child Traumatic Stress Network, it’s OK for caregivers to say they don’t have all the answers, and they must not force the conversation. Being available and patient is key.

This isn’t just a job for parents and guardians. All adults should remember to be there for the children in their lives. After all, not all children have trusted adults to talk to, says Crystal Garrant, program director at Sandy Hook Promise, a nonprofit that works to prevent suicides and mass shootings.

For example, she said adults working in preschool or afterschool programs should ask open-ended questions of the children in their care, conduct community-building activities or provide other opportunities for children to share openly. Otherwise, they may not have the opportunity to do so.

Adapt the conversation to the child’s age

How well children understand a situation depends on their age and development, said Ney.

“There’s no specific age limit for these conversations,” says Garrant, who has a nine-year-old daughter. “But make sure younger children understand the word you’re using. When we talk about safety, what does it mean to feel safe? How does that feel in your body? What does it sound like when you don’t feel safe?”

Some children experience emotional reactions and behavioral problems such as anxiety, nightmares, or difficulty concentrating after traumatic events.

Younger children need simple information and reassurance that their schools and homes are safe, says guidance from the National Association of School Psychologists. Older children have a deeper understanding and could benefit from learning about the options they have to protect themselves.

Confirm strong feelings about school shootings

The key is to recognize, acknowledge and value children’s feelings, says Beverly Warnock, executive director of the Cincinnati-based National Organization of Parents of Murdered Children.

“You have to let those feelings out and be honest,” she said. “Don’t try to suppress the feelings or not talk about them. It’s something that will stay with you for the rest of your life.”

The process of dealing with emotions after a shooting can be confusing and frustrating for people, Ney said.

“The stages of grief don’t necessarily occur one after the other. People may go through different stages and it may not really hit someone until a week later,” Ney said.

Psychologists want to reassure people that their feelings are normal and that they do not need to pretend that they are not affected.

“Even if you didn’t know anyone affected or that person was very far away from you, it’s OK to grieve,” Ney said. “It shows that you care about others.”

After acknowledging the emotional response, it is comforting to know that life goes on, Warnock said.

“You’ll learn to cope and you’ll be able to enjoy life again,” she said. “You may not feel that way now, but it’s happening. It’s just going to take some time.”

If you need further assistance

If you or someone you know is in distress because of a mass shooting, you can call the 24/7 National Disaster Distress Helpline. The number is 1-800-985-5990, and Spanish speakers can press “2” for bilingual assistance. To be connected directly to a crisis counselor in American Sign Language, call 1-800-985-5990 from your videophone.

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