Mindfulness in relationships and leadership

Let’s look at some factors that affect the influence we can have in our family and circle of friends.

DEMOGRAPHY AND LIFESPAN

Investments in the area of ​​family and friends tend to fluctuate and evolve throughout our lives, not only naturally but also as a result of inaction, shoulds, and orthodoxy. The traditional trajectory is for young adults to spend a lot of time with friends, then turn to family-building when they marry, partner, and/or have children, and then turn back to friends and peers when their children start their own families. Some of these tendencies are biological, logical, and/or practical. But others are either inherently invalid or outdated for the 21st century.

Make no mistake, we don’t just impose this traditional order for activities with family and friends on each other; we do it to ourselves by selecting our investments in the family and friends sphere based on our age and stage of life. Dr. Mario Martinez, the clinical neuropsychologist who brought us the concept of tribal shaming, also has strong opinions on this point. Here’s his take from a podcast interview with Tami Simon:

For example, you are… a little past middle age. You can no longer have a sports car because: “What is that old man or woman doing with that car?” [Your idea of age] is already setting you up for failure. The first time your back hurts [after a drive in your sports car] You think, “Ah, I’m too old for this.” You give up on the joy. You buy a bigger car and enter the tunnel of helplessness.[Now] I need anti-inflammatory drugs. That is as you age.

Demographics are changing rapidly. Life expectancy is increasing (especially among affluent whites, as poverty and non-whiteness are associated with health consequences), marriage rates are declining, and birth rates are falling. These factors, along with changing relationship preferences in the 21st century economy, make our traditional views incredibly ineffective at quenching the thirst for supportive and loving relationships with blood relatives and chosen families.

Modelling and credit privilege

Another thing to consider when investing in your family and friends is how you leverage your privilege in those relationships. When you accumulate privilege and then pass it on to your family and friends, it creates a powerful ripple effect.

Dia Bryant, now executive director of the Education Trust, was the first in her family to go to college. After graduating, “she came to New York with $1,000 and my suitcase. I lived on couches, ate hot dogs and worked my way up to a master’s degree. Once I was established and had a couch, [him] to spend the night, my brother came. And then our other brother joined us.”

Setting an example in this way is an impact that cannot be underestimated. Dia felt the “tension of betraying one side to be on the other” when she decided to move to New York to pursue graduate school. But she is equally certain that this decision has given her enormous “opportunities to be one of the few people who can move between worlds, learn what works and what doesn’t,” and then pass that insight – a kind of privilege – on to family and friends.

You, too, can pass on the privileges you have because of your gender, race, educational background, financial means, or other reasons to your chosen family or friends. While family members often share the same privileges as Dia, some siblings are more able or inclined to accumulate more access to resources and power over the course of their lives. Providing a personal reference to a friend who didn’t go to school with many professionals in their career field or helping them navigate a corporate culture they’re unfamiliar with are both ways you can use your own privilege to help someone else reach their potential.

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