Questions Kamala Harris and Donald Trump must answer in their presidential debate

Just days before the second biggest debate in world history – the biggest, of course, was the great dress debate of 2015, which, as everyone knows, was won by White and Gold – both presidential candidates are busily preparing for what could be election-deciding moments.

Having been involved in some form in the preparation for six previous presidential debates, I know exactly what each of the candidates does: Kamala Harris spends between four and six hours a day honing policy themes and response proposals (this is how I have helped candidates in the past); Donald Trump gets a tan and thinks up new ways to mispronounce Kamala’s name.

And make no mistake: ABC News debate moderators David Muir and Linsey Davis are also busy preparing—whether it’s coming up with controversial topics to debate or, in Muir’s case, pulling out unsightly nose hairs.

But let’s be honest – none of us really care who knows more about the need for increased wheat subsidies. We want to see disaster! To make sure that happens, the Daily Beast is asking the moderators the following questions. I’m sure that after reading this, Muir and Davis will be throwing out their ridiculous questions about NATO, Third World debt, and the Inflation Reduction Act.

1. Who would be a better finance minister in your government: Phillie Phanatic or Elon Musk?

Since the debate is taking place in Philadelphia, this is the right place to start. The answer is clearly the cartoon character.

2. What does WAP* stand for?

I’m going to go out on a limb and say that Donald Trump will… find the answer.

3. What is the best way to reduce the $35 trillion national debt?

Candidates will answer either “tax the rich” or, in Donald’s case, “tax the poor.” That’s to be expected—better answers might be, say, “hold a giant bake sale” or “make Jeff Bezos write a check.”

4. Does the fact that the Amazon CEO and space cowboy has a hot girlfriend prove once and for all that love is blind?

The follow-up questions are crucial, so let’s stay on the Bezos front. The answer is, of course, yes.

5. Should the Chicago White Sox be eligible for federal disaster assistance?

In this day and age of wasted government funds, I would support anyone who came forward with a plan to legalize euthanasia for sports teams.

6. Can you list the Kardashians in descending order of butt size?

People love pop culture, so Muir should ask a question that shows who can think not only outside the box, but also outside the box. Plus, it’s a trick question! Rob should be the first to be named.

7. What is the biggest threat to our freedom: unregulated militias or Ticketmaster prices?

I think we know what the Swifties believe.

8. What is your position?

That’s it. Instead of asking a fully worded question, just leave the candidates stumped for a minute. Bonus points for whoever says “reverse cowgirl.”

9. Should we increase border security by hiring Paul Blart, the mall cop?

The answer here is so obvious that if one of the candidates says “no,” he or she will have to drop out of the race.

And because people hate politics but love watching game shows, it wouldn’t be funny if the last moment Danger! Style:

10. 28 days, unless it is a leap year.

The correct answer here is not really “When is February?” but “How long will Jennifer Lopez’s next marriage last?”

*For our white readers over 60: WAP does not stand for White Anglo Protestant.