Burnout from online dating – how to recognize and prevent it

You have your smartphone in one hand and the other opens the app. You look at a strange face. Only a few seconds pass before you make a decision: do I like this person or not? Then it’s click after click.

Online dating is by no means a new phenomenon. 20 million Germans have already used Tinder, Parship, Bumble and Co., according to a 2022 survey by the IT industry association Bitkom. Around 60 percent of them have already found one or more stable relationships through online dating. Bitkom Research surveyed 1,005 people in Germany aged 16 and over.

When it comes to online dating, the multitude of options and edited images are confusing

Young people in particular often feel insecure when faced with so many options when looking for a partner. This was the finding of a study from India that was recently presented at a conference in Prague. More than half of the participants, mostly aged 18 to 30, said they were confused when looking for a partner – women and men alike.

The researchers believe that the reasons for this could be edited photos on the Internet. When you are confronted with manipulated images on a daily basis, many people’s expectations of a potential partner increase. The team led by Chayan Munshi from the Ethophilia Research Foundation in Santiniketan reports that this is how the masses of potential partners are brought to dating apps and social media. Young people are also often bombarded with sexually stimulating content on social media. This also shifts the reality and expectations of a potential partner.

Symptoms and risk factors of dating burnout

Wera Aretz, a couples therapist and psychologist at the Fresenius University of Applied Sciences in Cologne, warns of dating burnout. Persistent stress and frustration during online dating can lead to the psychosomatic syndrome, she writes in the “Journal of Business and Media Psychology”. Dating burnout is not an independent illness, but it manifests itself in emotional exhaustion, cynicism and increased performance, among other things. An estimated 14 percent of users of dating platforms were affected.

Risk factors include the monotony of constantly swiping across the screen to meet an interesting person. Some people would spend hours reading profiles, writing the same messages and end up without a date. Ghosting, i.e. suddenly being ignored or blocked, also poses a risk for dating burnout. Ghosting can happen to anyone – while texting or after a date. According to the study, those who already have low self-esteem or fear of commitment are particularly susceptible to dating burnout.

The whole thing isn’t fair anyway: “Online dating isn’t fair at all,” says Johanna Degen, a social psychologist and couples therapist in Flensburg. “Online dating is extremely sexist and discriminatory. You hardly see any people with disabilities on dating apps.”

Men cheat on their height, women rejuvenate

Perhaps this is precisely why people want to present themselves at their best and stand out from others, says Degen. But they warn: “The more I optimize my profile, the more stress I have because I am confronted with this perfect version of myself as an identity and then, on a date, with the disappointment of the other person.”

Couple therapist Aretz also knows this self-optimization from her clients. Men cheat about their height, while women make themselves look younger on their profiles. They also cheat about their level of education, and the fact that the other person is really single can also be a lie.

Online dating despite being in a relationship

And that is obviously not uncommon. The researchers from India have found that even some people who are already in a committed relationship use dating platforms. Aretz says that despite being in a relationship, dating is not always a bad thing. Under certain circumstances, such as an open relationship, such online dating could also be something positive. Or if you want to explore your sexuality together as a couple with a third person.

But: “If you assume that one partner does not know that the other partner is doing online dating, it can of course lead to great irritation,” says the psychologist.

The advantages of online dating on platforms like Tinder, Lovoo and Bumble

Aretz believes that a general advantage of virtual dating is that it allows people to meet potential partners even over long distances. Online dating means that there are more couples with different cultural backgrounds. Social classes also play a smaller role.

“The greatest opportunity is that we can get in touch with an incredibly large number of people in a very convenient and fun way, people we wouldn’t be able to contact on the way to university, to work or in the supermarket.” And people with different socio-cultural backgrounds too,” says the psychologist. “I can get to know people in India, Turkey, Greece – all over the world – with just one click.”

And even if it is a persistent prejudice, people on dating apps are not just looking for one-time sexual encounters – one-night stands. The Bitkom survey found that only six percent of users have sex as their goal. 71 percent long for a steady relationship.

Successful dating – how it works

Some couples therapists recommend paid apps to find your better half – those who pay are more serious. However, Aretz believes it is sometimes better for young people to use free sites like Tinder or Okcupid because the target audience is younger there.

Of course, everyone is different and has individual wishes for a partner. It is important not to pretend and, for example, to only choose the best pictures of yourself and list your best qualities, says Aretz. You only have to please those who are interested in you. In order to find the right person, you have to sort out everyone else with the help of your own honesty: “To find the needle in the haystack, you have to burn the haystack.”