Tips for surviving sleep deprivation with a newborn

My newborn son never slept for more than an hour at a time. Ever. I tell people that, and they giggle and shake their heads fondly, as if to say, “Oh man, I remember!” which somehow tells me they don’t actually remember. But I will always remember: The deep underwater fog that followed me everywhere. The disconnect I felt from the rest of the world, from reality, from myself. Forgetting my keys in restaurants, putting my clothes on backwards, getting lost on a road I’d driven down a thousand times before.

I felt like I was losing my mind, and this at a time when I needed my mind more than ever. When a real human being was relying on me to keep him alive, but wasn’t this somehow all his fault? There were times when I worried I wouldn’t survive this, or worse, so much worse, that he wouldn’t survive. When I nodded off while breastfeeding and he almost fell to the floor, or my hands shook from exhaustion and the tea I was drinking spilled on him. Cooled tea, but what if it hadn’t been that way?

Sleep deprivation is no fun.

Yes, sleep deprivation is a fact of life for many, if not most, new parents. Rumors and science say they sleep more than they are awake, but whether true or not, in most cases this is not the case. feel true. Not at all. They sleep, we know that, but sometimes it’s as if they choose the times when we can’t sleep just to show us their cute little noses. They sleep on the way to the car but not in the car, or they sleep from 6:30 to 7:30 as a kind of disco nap so they can party all night in their crib, or during your mom’s visit so she can say, “Wow, this baby just sleeps.”

A recent survey by UK charity The Lullaby Trust found that 59% of parents of babies under one year old admit that their little ones sleep less than four hours at a time. Of course, that means they themselves may sleep a maximum of four hours at a time. Not enough, not nearly enough, to thrive. And certainly not enough to work or cook food or care for a fragile little human being.

What happens to the body when it lacks sleep?

According to the Cleveland Clinic, your body needs sleep to recover from daily activities, conserve and store energy, and rest, reorganize, and catalog your brain. If your body gets even an hour and a half less sleep than you’re used to, you may struggle with memory problems, cardiovascular issues, metabolic issues, and a really funny thing for couples navigating this big, life-changing life situation together: mood swings. Sleep-deprived moms are also at higher risk of postpartum depression, as well as a higher risk of accidents because our reaction time suffers. And since you can’t suddenly tell your baby to sleep eight hours straight, you’ll need to find some ways to cope until your sleep schedule gets back to normal.

Rely on your support system.

If you’re lucky, there are already people in your community offering to help with the baby. If you’re smart, take them up on their offer. “Lean on your partner,” advises licensed clinical psychologist Dr. Kanchi Wijesekera. Pediatric sleep consultant and father of four Chris Nosal agrees. “Create a schedule and take turns,” Nosal recommends. “You and your partner are in this together. If you like staying up at night, maybe take the first shift until midnight.” When it’s your partner’s turn, just sleep. When it’s your turn, leave your partner completely alone.

And of course, “get help from family and friends.” Not just with tasks around the house like shopping, cooking, cleaning and the rest, but also just sitting around the house and staring at your baby so you can sleep. If you don’t have family or friends nearby, I recommend looking for baby groups in your area and joining them, even if you’re not one of them.

Talk to other new parents about your lack of sleep. Show your vulnerability. Just talking about how hard it is has always given me a little push, and you never know. These conversations could potentially lead to a sleep-sharing system where parents can take turns looking after each other’s babies so they can sleep. Let’s start a movement here.

Drink water and move your body. Seriously.

“Drink water” is the most common advice in the world, but unfortunately in this case it is very effective and also very true. Drinking enough water significantly improves our brain function and energy, helps prevent and treat headaches, and even maximizes physical performance. All things you will need help with after those sleepless nights.

Dr. Wijesekera also recommends stretching for 10 minutes while your baby is napping or taking a walk while they’re sleeping in the stroller. I know this can feel counterintuitive because you want to sleep while your baby is sleeping, but that quick walk around your neighborhood while listening to a podcast or, better yet, smiling shyly while everyone compliments you on your sweet baby is one hell of a dopamine rush. And you’ll feel like part of the world, something that doesn’t come easily to new parents.

Really make sleep a priority.

Take a nap. I know there are so many things you want to do once your hands are free—like eating, going to the bathroom, or taking a much-needed shower—but make sure napping stays on your list. Try to sleep for 10 to 30 minutes, the ideal number for refueling, according to sleep specialists. If you sleep longer, you could end up even more groggy than before. Even if you just make the effort to lie down and rest without sleeping, you’ll end up feeling better, as rest has been shown to improve your mood, reduce stress, and increase alertness.

Fake it until you make it.

You might be tempted to pretend that you, like your baby, no longer know the difference between night and day, but your body and brain will thank you if you respect the difference between night and day when you can. It will also help your baby slowly develop their own circadian rhythm. At night, create the most comfortable and peaceful sleeping environment possible for you and your baby. Make sure it is quiet, cool and dark in the evenings.

According to the National Library of Medicine, babies begin to develop their all-important circadian rhythm at around eight weeks of age, and this 24-hour cycle can be greatly influenced by exposure to light.

Everything will be chaotic and nothing will feel the same as it did before the baby was born. So why not introduce new nighttime rituals like, I don’t know, lighting candles? Reading quietly together, even if it’s your own books, and reading out loud to them? Baths and lotions are popular with adults and toddlers alike.

Listen to Nana.

It’s no coincidence that my grandmother gave me two great tips for getting my baby to sleep: make sure his feet are warm and find out what he “gives away”. According to my grandma, every baby has a little quirk that helps him fall asleep. For one baby, it might be running your fingers along his neck. For another, it might be a special rocking and tapping motion. It takes time to find the “giveaway” behavior, but it’s a wonderful time, and once you find it, not only will falling asleep be a little easier, but you’ll feel much more confident in your new role as a parent, knowing that you know your baby better than anyone else. It’s hard to imagine at first, but the more you get to know him (and the better you both sleep), the more you’ll fall in love with him and maybe even become one of those people who forget how hard it is and smile sentimentally when the subject of newborns comes up.