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topicnews · September 22, 2024

How to talk about politics with people who disagree with you

How to talk about politics with people who disagree with you

Karen Kaplan
| Los Angeles Times

These days, there’s no surer way to start an argument than to talk politics with someone who disagrees with you. And with Election Day fast approaching, political conversations are becoming harder to avoid.

You could muddle through the next two months and hope for the best. Or you could take Tania Israel’s advice and seize the opportunity to help bridge America’s political divide.

Israel, a professor in the department of counseling, clinical and school psychology at UC Santa Barbara, has been facilitating difficult conversations since the 1990s, when she brought together people from different sides of the abortion debate.

“It was a transformative experience for me,” Israel recalls. “It didn’t change my views on reproductive rights, but it changed so much about how I think about people who disagree with me.”

After the 2016 presidential election, she stepped up her efforts to connect with people outside her bubble and wrote a book to provide guidance for others who want to do the same. Facing the Fracture: How to Meet the Challenges of Living in a Divided Nation inspires readers to listen to their fellow Americans rather than argue with them.

Israel spoke to The Times about how individual conversations can help the country heal. The conversation has been slightly edited for length and clarity.

Why do there seem to be more political conflicts than before?

People are not only struggling with arguments with their uncle, but also with arguments with their phone, with the news, and in their own heads. All of this makes us very emotionally activated, which is one of the reasons why stress-related political conflicts are on the rise and continue to rise.

This is not healthy for us, it is not healthy for our relationships, and it is not healthy for our democracy.

Is it good to try to bridge the gap, or is it better for your mental health to stay away?

I think the best thing for people is to develop the ability to do both – to be able to have these conversations, but also to recognize when it’s better not to.

What motivates people to get involved with someone from the other side?

Some people say, “I want to maintain a relationship with someone in my life, but political conflicts make it difficult for us.”

Some people say they want to persuade or convince someone else.

Some people say they want to find common ground or bridge the gap.

And then some people say, “I just can’t understand how people can think, act or choose like that,” and they look for insights.

Are we so used to being on the phone all the time that it makes it difficult for us to interact with people in real life?

It’s much easier to have stereotypes of people when we only interact with them through social media accounts. It distorts our understanding of who other people are.

Are stereotypes the only problem?

As humans, we have these cognitive biases where we see ourselves as very rational and our ideas are based on solid information. But we see people on the other side as irrational, illogical, and brainwashed by misinformation. Both sides see things that way.

My favorite cognitive bias is the so-called motive attribution asymmetry. This is where we assume that we see ourselves as motivated by protective and caring motives, but the other side is driven by selfishness and hostility.

How can we correct our cognitive biases?

Recognizing them is probably the most important thing.

We can recognize the biases of the other side. Simply recognizing that we are susceptible to all of these things can help us develop the curiosity to correct them.

If you find yourself in the middle of a polarizing argument, how can you turn things around?

When we want to find common ground, persuade someone, or gain insight, trying to understand the other person better is the best thing we can do.

We do this by listening. We encourage people to be more elaborative. We control our own emotions. And when we share with others, we tell stories instead of statistics and slogans.

That’s not what they think people should do. They think they have to have a debate where they give all the information, statistics and justification.

Why are stories better than statistics?

When we use statistics and arguments, we get them from our trusted sources, which very often do not match the trusted sources of the person we are talking to.

Confirmation bias causes us to accept information that supports what we already believe to be true and ignore or reject information that contradicts our beliefs. So when we tell other people things that contradict what they believe, they’re more likely to reject what we say—and, frankly, dismiss us as a trustworthy source.

When we embed information in stories, people remember it better and are more likely to accept it. It’s also the way people interact with each other. It’s not only more effective, it’s also a more interesting conversation.

Scientists say an anecdote is not data. But they say an anecdote is better than data.

Right. We can have all the information, but if there is another person involved, it doesn’t help to just tell them all the information.

If we believe in science, we must also believe in the science that says you can’t make someone change their behavior that way.

Why should someone who doesn’t trust your facts trust your story?

Stories feel more true. And you can’t argue with stories, you know? “Here’s the story of my life.” You can’t argue with my life story. And if the story has emotion in it, people can relate to it.

We often put our ideas out there to say, “Here are my ideas. Here’s why you should believe it.” Or to say, “Here are my ideas. Here’s why this justifies what I think or do.” We very rarely put our ideas out there to say, “Here are my ideas. Here are the limits of my understanding of them. What am I missing?”

This is a completely disarming approach because it involves intellectual humility. We can have very strong beliefs, but still be curious and respectful of views that differ from our own. This will help to broaden our understanding.

It seems like you have to be in the right frame of mind to want to talk to someone you don’t normally agree with, doesn’t it?

We need to learn the skills. There are habits we need to learn and habits we need to change. All of this training will help us face political division and other challenges in our lives.

What does this training include?

The first step is to reduce polarizing content. We can consume news more consciously, use social media more purposefully, and correct our cognitive biases. This will help us find balance.

Next, we build our individual performance through emotional resilience. This means being able to face a person or a sign on the pitch without completely breaking down.

Intellectual humility helps us to broaden our horizons, and you’re absolutely right that you have to want to do that. It’s about being curious and realising that you might not know the whole story and that there’s still something you can learn.

And then there’s compassion. You have to take all of these steps before you can even develop empathy and compassion.

Once you’ve done all this, you’re ready to strengthen the connections.

How?

If you want to achieve engagement across that divide, you have to do it effectively – listening to others, telling stories, and all that.

It’s also about getting involved in our communities and our country. Civic engagement is a really important activity. Do something meaningful to support the causes you care about. Volunteering not only benefits us as a society, but also our mental health.

Posting something on social media is not a very effective form of advocacy. Turning away from our screens and interacting with other three-dimensional people is probably the best thing we can do for all of these issues.

And then there is something most people have never heard of: the bridge movement.

What is that?

There are over 500 organizations working to bridge divides and strengthen our democracy. If people join that movement, that’s great. But just knowing that it’s happening can make people more optimistic about their fellow Americans and the future of our country.

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