Dear Abby: I like to do favors for my friends, but they always ask for more

DEAR ABBY: I enjoy helping my friends, partner and family members. I think it’s important to do good in my retirement. I have my hands full taking my elderly father to doctor’s appointments and I also visit him three times a week. I also have elderly single friends for whom I do things, such as occasionally dropping off meals and running errands.

Recently I have been asked to arrange transport to doctor’s appointments for no less than three of these friends. One of them is more of a friend of my partner. Nevertheless, she expects a lot from me. I feel like I have enough to do looking after my father and my partner. These other friends put me under pressure. If I turn them down, I feel guilty.

How can I say goodbye to these people gracefully? One of them has implied that I’m not a good friend if I don’t help them go to the doctor, take care of their dog, etc. She never seems to remember past good deeds and likes to start any fight (she only has one or two friends left). Any advice? — TIRED MAN IN WISCONSIN

DEAR TIRED MAN: For some people, it’s only a small step from being a pleaser to being a doormat. You’ve been kind and helpful; now it’s time to help yourself. You shouldn’t feel guilty about saying no to privileged people. The woman you described is one of them, so don’t expect her to be grateful for the time and effort you’ve already invested.

Developing the ability to say no is a lot like lifting weights. Start small, work your way up, and in no time you’ll have built up the muscles you need. Try it. You’ll love it.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I met in high school debate club. We had heated debates about every topic and I think that was one of the things he loved most about me.

14 years and a few kids later, I no longer have the fire in me to argue “oranges vs. strawberries.” Every time I express a simple opinion, he tries to engage in a debate, but he goes from zero to a hundred in a minute and forgets to listen to my opinion. I’ve gotten into the habit of “letting him win” just to shut him up because I don’t want to hear it. He gets frustrated when I do this and always says that’s how we always used to do it.

Abby, my priorities have changed. I’m calmer than I used to be and I focus mostly on our children. I’m tired of the constant arguing, but I know he enjoys it. Please help me find common ground with my husband. — I have no fighting strength left in me

RATHER NO FIGHT: Some couples enjoy arguing as a form of foreplay. If you haven’t told your husband what you told me, it’s important that you do so. Since “debating” is an established pattern in your marriage, you may need a licensed marriage and family therapist to help you get your message across, as your husband may have difficulty adjusting to the changed way you communicate.

Dear Abby was written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or PO Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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